Shari Creates

Meeping and Community

Posted on: October 19, 2010

I’ve come to the tentative conclusion that the best of the internet is the community.  This is not an original concept; Jenny Crusie and Lucy March have both written about it, and I’m sure others have as well.  However, the hardest thing for me about internet community is that when I don’t feel like I am a me worth knowing, I tend to draw away.  Mind you, this is not just an internet phenomenon; nor is it limited to my perception of myself.  See, this is the “Year of the Punching Bag”, in which several different people have decided to let me know exactly, in excruciating detail, all of the ways I am a failure in their perception of me (as an aside, I CANNOT WAIT for this year, and this trend, to be over.)  Entire weeks have passed with my primary thought being a quote from the Bridget Jones movie – …”you seem to go out of your way to try to make me feel like a complete idiot everytime I see you – and you really needn’t bother….I already feel like an idiot most of the time, anyway…”  It would be terribly comforting to have a Mark Darcy assure me that in spite of all that, he quite likes me just as I am.  Mind you, I do have some fabulous and kind people who say things similar to that to me; especially the Betties, who are in all ways utterly marvelous.  Especially Betty Fokker, who summed up family conflicts beautifully in the “Motherhood and the Poo Metaphor” post.
Okay, this turned way into more of a journal entry than a blog, and I am already deeply conflicted about being this “poor poor pitiful me” in public.  Meep, meep, meep.
Anyway, what brought all this to mind this time is my discovery of the Green brothers vlog and the Nerd Fighters.  How cool!  I want to be a nerd fighter, and write a verse of a song about my amazing nerd power!  Why, I could write about – letting everyone down and fucking everything up horribly, in fact, I could write an ode to the things that have turned to shit after I touched them.  Wait, I lost my happy thought again, and crashed to the ground.  But it’s a wonderful community, and I am delighted with the Evil Baby Orphanage.
As usual, I looked for quotes that spoke to me about this whole conundrum.  Here’s what I found:
It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away.  You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted.
For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back.
You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I’ve been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head. – Henry Rollins (via hahahalizz)

If somebody is investing time, resources, and energy into convincing you of your own worthlessness, that same somebody has revealed to you that they have a lot to lose if you don’t believe them. They’re protecting their own loss of power. Which means they perceive you as somebody who can take that power away. If somebody is putting in the work to knock you down, it’s because they’ve got something to fear about you if you’re standing up.
“Fear” and “power” are big words that make it sound like there’s going to be a Rocky battle. But it’s not like that, usually. The thing you could take away from another person if you live with worth and happiness could be something you have no interest in, something that’s entirely in their own minds. There is something about my refusal to feel bad and back away that is frightening. Not to everybody – there’s a whole world that could care less – but the people who make an investment in silencing me have done so because they have made a cost-benefit analysis. Whatever it takes out of them to silence me is going to be less than what I will take from  them if I don’t shut up.
http://www.fugitivus.net/2010/06/10/on-interpersonal-badness/
“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good
news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” — Anne Lamott
“And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to
get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore.”  — Anne Lamott

Single Dad Laughing did a whole post that made me cry, A Disease Called Perfection.  You know, that brings me back to Lucy March, and her incredible blog opening herself up and letting honesty spill out, even when it hurts.  I am so in awe of this; and yet, I seem to lack the fundamental courage to do likewise.

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1 Response to "Meeping and Community"

Thanks for the shout out! I am glad you are in my community 🙂

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